Big Changes

So I've come to realize that the whole reason to start this blog was to get out all that stuff I have a hard time saying. I haven't been really good at that. I just keep in my shell and let the world think everything is alright. So I've decided to change my life completely, well almost, and finally be on a better track, a healthier track. So what's going on? Here's the scoop:

I quit Highland Manor after over two years of dedicated work. With all the changes that they have made and some things that they probably didn't know where going on, I was so stressed out I just couldn't keep going. Last December I had started going on anti-anxiety medicine and although it helped, I felt like I lost most of me. I lost the part that was creative and passionate about whatever I did. I felt like a zombie. So last week I decided to cut them out of my life. I can't believe what a difference it made. People have been worried cause I look like I'm down in the dumps, but I'm really not, it's just that my head is now going about five million miles a minute again and I'm trying to sort through all of it! I did need the medication and I don't begrudge anyone who does have to take it. It just wasn't a long term solution for me. I'm trying to work through the panic attacks now and with leaving Highland Manor and the financing struggles I was having from lack of sales, the panic attacks should be decreasing. Well that is if the neighbor stops being such a jerk! LOL! That's not likely to happen!

So what am I doing instead? I am going back to work with kids. I was trying to decide between going back to be a nanny and maybe opening my own daycare. After decided to do in home daycare for the meantime I changed my mind and decided to take the nanny position that was offered me. I will be working in Belleville so I have only a 10 minute drive to work. And the family is awesome. Beth, the mom, is just a year older than me and would be someone that I would hang out with. Brad, the dad, seems really nice and the kids are a blast. Bennett and Brady are full of energy and seem like such sweet boys. This gives me the opportunity to be with kids and enjoy their energy as I'm trying to get all of that energy back. I figure it's going to be a great time planning for activities and running around with the boys. Plus they are having a little one join the family in October so it will be great to work with an infant again as well. Nick and I have been trying to start our own family, but it's been a struggle. We've only been trying a couple months, but we hit a road bump early. In May I had a miscarriage and I think that's where most of the problems stemmed. I realized that I couldn't handle all the things that were going on anymore and I really needed a change in my life. I knew it before, but this was like a major wake up call. It's one thing to realize it and it's another to really know it! But we are continuing on and know that we will get lucky some day soon. And believe me, there will be a huge party when it does happen.

So how do I feel now that I'm changing careers again and have tried overhauling my whole life. Surprisingly I feel amazing. Without the meds I have a harder time controlling my emotions, but man do I feel free. I have gotten so much stuff done it's crazy! My last day at Highland Manor is the 17th and I don't start my job full time until the 4th of September, but I figure that the whole house will be organized by then. I have been busy scanning in paperwork so I can destroy old bank statements and phone bills, and all that other crap that is filling up my filing cabinet. And my life in general. Maybe Nick and I will have to get a scanner so we can just keep on filing everything digitally so I can eliminate paper since I'm horrible about filing stuff.

I am truly going to miss the people at Highland Manor. Maria is such a sweet person and I just started to know Nancy and she seems like a blast. I've had a hard time telling some of the residents I'm leaving. I'm sure I'll be in tears on Friday just knowing how far I've come there and leaving it all behind. I'll make sure to stay in contact with them, but it's always hard when you are undergoing a new adventure.

Good news is I have started writing again. I'm planning on working on my writing, and my reading, while I'm a nanny. I also hope to lose some of the weight I've gained recently. I figure the healthier I get the better our chances for having a healthy baby. Plus I don't mind fitting back into my favorite size 5 jeans! It's been close off and on, but it needs to be a permanent fix! Oh, and with the nanny job I don't have to worry about dress code. One less thing to think about and I can be comfortable enough to think and create!

Okay, well I think I've dumped enough for this entry! But with all the extra time I'll have I'm sure I will be blogging more often and I promise to try to wear my heart on my sleeve a little more!