Monday, December 24, 2007

Scary times

Okay, well it's not that scary, but it feels that way. I'm sending the first chapter of my book out into the world. Okay, it's not going far, but it's still really scary. I wish I wasn't such a fraidy cat, maybe my life would be so different. It seems like I've been scared most of my life of doing what I want to do. Writing is my opportunity to try something different. And I'm scared as hell.

Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm so excited for the holidays, and so ready for them to be over. I'm looking at the calendar wishing that 2008 was here and I could start over fresh. I think I go through this every year, but I'm hoping that after all the tradegy that we've had this year, we'll have smooth sailing this year.

I'm starting to finally feel better. I still have a really bad cough, but otherwise I'm doing fine. The cough meds seem to be working less and less so I'm figuring I'll have to make one more trip to the doctors. Maybe it'll be fixed by Wednesday so I don't have to make a call at all.

Well I don't have much to say right now. Well I do, but I'm actually thinking about sitting down and writing. That's a pretty big improvement so I better jump on it while I still have it!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Please stop the voices....

Watching Brady I seriously contemplated the fact that I have ADD. Obviously I'm not hyper so we weren't twins, but man did we have some similar tendencies. Now as it's Sunday night, and I should be sleeping, my mind is going about five million miles a minute. I feel so crazy right now and it's so strange. I've been so tired the last couple days, especially with being sick, that it's annoying to actually not be able to sleep. I want to get over this cold and get on with my life. LOL!

So how do I fix this. Well my plan is to first honor my promise to my dearest friend in the world. I have been such a flake with everything going on that I feel like I have neglected my most wonderful friendships. So I'm reading Stephie's review that is due this Wednesday to give my opinion and suggestions. I'll probably get more pysched up so I'm not betting on sleep for awhile. I'm hoping that I can spend a little time getting some of these damn thoughts out of my head too.

Three weeks ago, almost to the hour I was in the bathroom experiencing the first signs of my miscarriage. Since then I've been reading about tests, and causes and all that other crap that fills your mind when you go through a tramatic event. Last week I started tests to see if there is something wrong, but I don't know if that will ever make it better. Is it something that can be fixed, or will we just keep experiencing this over and over again. I don't usually like laying all out there, but I'm scared as shit! I just can't imagine going through it again. And what scares me the most is even thinking about getting pregnant cause I'm always going to imagine that it won't stick. What will get us over the hump? Do we need to move away from the jerk next door to relieve some of the stress around here? What can fix the problem? I love to work on problems to find possible solutions, but I'm scared to death of what my solutions might be. Nick and I have discussed that we are not going to extreme measures to have a baby. Now we have to decide what are "extreme measures". How many tests do I take before we are too emotionally involved in trying to carry a baby to term to actually be able to stop?

It seems in every aspect of my life I'm riding on the wave of "what if's". What is my ideal job, what is the ideal situation, what do I really want to do with my life? Right now, I think it's to work with kids. But if I had the chance I would sit at home work on the chocolate business and write. I have several stories stuck in my head just waiting to get started but I just can't seem to sit long enough to get something out. I started yet another book just recently. I swear I just can't commit to anything. I'm over 80 pages into my first book and can't seem to get my junk in gear to get the rest out. So what if I had the time to actually write with no other worries? I'd probably be running around with my head chopped off, having 100 different stories started but nothing even close to finishing. I promised myself that I would take a little time this last week to write a little and I didn't. I wrote in my journal, which has even been a chore lately. Maybe I'm just too sad about everything right now that it's too depressing to admit my feelings and what is really going on in my life. I mean, really, who wants to write down, have no job, lost baby, might never have a baby, car sucks - it broke again, neighbor is still being a jerk, why the hell does this all happen to me? Man, just looking at that line makes me want to cry! I think that's the hardest part of it all. I don't feel like I can get all this negativity out. I don't want to be like this. I want to get up, dust my pants and move on. I know that it's only natural to greive and be upset, but I don't like being that person. I don't want people to take care of me, I want to be their support. I guess I feel that people don't know how to help me or take care of me anyways, so I don't even want to ask. I know that I'm extremely independent. I like to just take care of something if it needs to be done. Well as long as I don't get distracted by the million other things I'm trying to take care of. But man would it feel nice right now to not have to do anything for a little bit. I wish we didn't have the worry of what do we do if I don't get a job within the next couple week. I wish that we didn't have to worry about all the chores around the house that need to be done, or wrapping the Christmas gifts, or all that other garbage that keeps muddling my thoughts day in and out. I just wish there was a day where I could just sit down and keep writing, whatever that comes into my head, was transferred to paper. Maybe there will be some time, but it seems pretty impossible right now.

I suppose I better get my butt back to reading Stephie's review. It's pretty interesting but the way I'm going I'll never get it done. There's always time to write more later. LOL!